


The Road That Led You Here

by sweeterthankarma



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Backstory, Character Study, Childhood, Coming Out, F/F, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 04:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12335352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweeterthankarma/pseuds/sweeterthankarma
Summary: Nicole was seven years old when she first had an idea of who she was.She ignored it. She ignored the way she felt when she watched movies with men always pining after women, who would always reciprocate and and oftentimes even change themselves for the boy. She ignored how she felt apathetic and even a little disgusted when she imagined being the girl and having to kiss the man, unlike her friends who would giggle and blush and watch the television screen with a dazed look in their eyes. She ignored the subtle distaste in her chest when she played “house” at recess and was assigned the role of the wife, therefore having to occasionally hold a boy's hand and do least amount of "work" in the game. She entertained those thoughts briefly before she did the one thing she knew how to do- ignore it.





	The Road That Led You Here

**Author's Note:**

> Creating Nicole's backstory was not an easy thing and I'm still not sure if I'm 100% happy with this fic or where it ended up, but after the work I put into this I figured it was time to let it be and share it. Nicole is a strange character because sometimes she comes naturally to me and sometimes she's tricky. I tried to keep this as true to her as possible, but I'd love some feedback because I definitely struggled.
> 
> Just a warning, there are brief mentions of homophobia in this fic so if that is something you're not comfortable reading, be cautious or feel free to skip over those parts.

Nicole was seven years old when she first had an idea of who she was.  

She ignored it. She ignored the way she felt when she watched movies with men always pining after women, who would always reciprocate and and oftentimes even change themselves for the boy. She ignored how she felt apathetic and even a little disgusted when she imagined being the girl and having to kiss the man, unlike her friends who would giggle and blush and watch the television screen with a dazed look in their eyes. She ignored the subtle distaste in her chest when she played “house” at recess and was assigned the role of the wife, therefore having to occasionally hold a boy's hand and do least amount of "work" in the game. She ignored how she wished she could have held a girl’s hand, rather than a boy’s, and how even when there were no boys around for the role of the husband and she  _ could  _ hold a girl’s hand it wasn’t the way she wanted it to be, wasn’t the same as when she was with the boy’s and the game practically revolved around them touching each other or at least standing close. Why wasn’t it the same if she was with a girl? Why couldn’t it be? She entertained those thoughts briefly before she did the one thing she knew how to do- ignore it. 

She ignored her friends when they would whisper, sheepish and excited, about the new boy in class and how cute they thought he was.    
    “Don’t you think he’s cute, Nicole? Just a little bit?”

Nicole had looked back at her friends blankly. “Uh…” She didn’t know what to say. How could she explain that she did like the boy, but only as a friend and not even for a second as anything more? She didn’t understand her feelings herself, so she just nodded. She tried not to think about how she wasn’t feeling the same way other girls were and therefore something must be wrong with her. But she didn’t feel like anything was wrong, and so she just ignored it. Or at least she tried to, for the longest time, until she couldn’t.

 

Nicole had gone on two dates with boys. If she’s being honest with herself, she didn't want to go on either of them, but how could she tell her friends that? How could she tell her parents, who took photos of her before the first boy- his name was Jake Potter- came to pick her up, who drilled her for questions afterwards, even though she was only fifteen? 

The first date hadn’t been particularly bad, but it hadn’t been particularly good either. Jake was attractive, Nicole could recognize that- he had dark, luscious curls and soft blue eyes- but if she was being honest, her nerves were simply because this was her first date and she didn’t know how to act, and she felt she owed it to her friends, who were all crushing on this kid. They had been visibly upset when they had learned he had asked  _ her  _ out, and it almost made her laugh because she had no interest in him. But she couldn't say that to her friends of course, because then they'd start asking questions, and how could she say the only people she'd ever been genuinely attracted to were girls? 

She didn’t say yes right away. She talked to her friends, made sure it was okay with them, and then when she told her mother she was forcefully encouraged to say yes, barely even given a choice in the matter. She was also afraid to say no, since she seemed to be the only one who remembered Jake had made fun of her in fifth grade for crying at recess over a dead bunny in the woods that had reminded her of her pet bunny that had recently passed away. The entire class had whispered about her that day when she returned to class with tear-stained cheeks, and it was obvious to her that no one felt any sympathy for her, especially not Jake. Nicole had mentioned that to her closest friend once she had been asked out, and once again she was greeted with laughter. 

    “Nicole, that was fifth grade! Come on, he’s changed, and that wasn’t even a big deal.”

_ It was to me,  _ Nicole thinks, but keeps her mouth shut. She didn’t have many friends in elementary school since the school was so small and the cliques had formed almost instantaneously, before she could find her place. In high school she met more people and found her circle of friends, but she still didn’t feel like they truly knew her, and she certainly didn’t feel comfortable telling them she had little to no interest in boys, let alone Jake Potter. 

But Nicole felt a commitment to her friends, to hopefully get them the answers they wanted to fulfill their hopes and dreams of what Jake was like. She ignored, once again, the knowledge that she was mainly doing this for them, since this was the most attention she had ever gotten from them. She knew she just wanted to be included, and the lonely ache she felt when she had no plans on a Friday night made her determined to try this out. Besides, there was a social status for being in a relationship- a heterosexual one, at least- in high school, and she could use whatever she could get.

When the time came and Jake picked her up in his truck, music loud and the interior of the car smelling faintly like cigarettes, Nicole almost immediately wanted nothing more than for him to pull back into her driveway. He gave her a smile that practically screamed his intentions for the end of the night- she noticed the backseat of the car was empty, save for a blanket, and she swears she could throw up- and she tries to give him one back. He swerves down the street, heavy on the gas and Nicole is already dreaming of her cat, her book, and the comfort of her kitchen smelling like cinnamon. Her mother was always baking.

It was the thought of her mother that ultimately kept her from demanding the car be turned around. The car ride was silent because she didn’t know anything about football and when he made a rhetorical joke about their history class she actually knew the answer. They went to a movie- Jake held her hand, and it just felt odd- and then she faked a call from her mom so that he would drive her home instead of getting ice cream, because she just couldn’t see herself spending any additional time in that car.

Jake parked the car a little too early, three houses down from her own, faintly yellow and glowing and practically begging her to come back. She’d just opened her mouth to say this isn’t right, they’re at the wrong house when he’d leaned forward, breath fanning her face, hands reaching for hers- and she yanked away, hand on the door handle  _ fast.  _ Fast enough for Jake to notice and raise his eyebrows at her.

    “Come on,” he half-chuckled, half-persuaded, giving her a strange look. “Don’t you wanna?”

Nicole stepped out of the car before she could think better of it. “Listen, I-I’ve gotta go. Thanks for the movie, I’ll see you later, I just, I really gotta go.”

She didn’t look back. Didn’t tell her mother much, just that the movie was good and so was the ice cream, even though they didn’t get any. She said what she needed to before escaping the questions and locking herself in the bathroom to take a shower and ignoring the sounds of her parent’s hushed voices downstairs.

 

She never wanted another date with a boy. She had no interest in it, especially after what happened with Jake, but she didn’t know how to explain that, and she did feel like she needed to have someone to go to prom with. She, of course, recognized that she would have preferred to go with a girl; when she tried on her dress at the local boutique and helped another girl with the zipper on her dress she allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to go with her, to go with any girl, really. But she still had no idea of what to do with the information, wasn't quite sure what she felt because no one else seemed to feel the same way and surely she couldn't be the only odd one out. So, honestly, she was terrified and didn't know what to make of herself, so she allowed herself one last opportunity to test herself out, to see if she could ever be with a boy. 

She ultimately realized she couldn't. 

It was senior year and every girl she knew was finding one and sharing stories of their adorable, extravagant, over-the-top “promposals.” Nicole had gone to prom solo junior year, enjoying the company of her friends, but this year it seemed to be socially mandatory that everyone go with a date. 

Nicole’s parents certainly nagged her about it. At dinnertime, she shared stories of her friends’ prom plans, only to be countered with, “well, what about you?” She made up excuses, telling her parents she just didn’t feel comfortable with dating at this point in her life, but the nagging consisted and she ultimately resorted to being set up by her friends, even though she knew that was a mistake before it even happened. 

Her date was her friend's cousin friend, Nick. They’d been set up barely four days before prom with little to no time to get to know each other, and he was as uninterested in her as she was in him. Pictures were awkward because neither of them knew how to stand. He didn’t have a corsage for her and her parent’s were visibly upset about this; she could see the way their eyes darted to each other in a swift movement of disapproval she was all too familiar. She didn’t really care, though. They made small talk in the limo that they shared with their friends, sipping non-alcoholic champagne courtesy of Nick’s mother- he could get that but not a corsage?!- and Nicole started to feel like maybe, just maybe, this could work. 

And then she stepped into the banquet hall filled with people and her eyes went past all the black and white suits, away from all the guys who turned her way and instead found the girls. In that moment, she fought to not pull her hand away from the crook of Nick’s arm, to not step away and disassociate herself from him, because it had never been clearer how much she had just been  _ pretending _ . In that moment, she knew. She couldn’t hide it, couldn’t ignore it, couldn’t exist posing as someone she could never be. She knew she could never be with a boy in the way that she was expected to, could never fit their expectations or that of her parents. She couldn’t, and she  _ wouldn’t.  _

She spent most of the evening sitting. Nick had found a new girl to dance with, and he at least asked before abandoning her- to which she encouraged him, let him know there were absolutely no hard feelings. He had definitely felt the awkwardness, felt the way they just didn’t click, at least not in that way. He could make her laugh, sure, and he was kind and held the door open and gave her his water when she was thirsty and had already drank all of hers, but after their trial slow dance it was obvious to both of them. She didn’t meet his eyes, didn’t even sway with him; instead her gaze went past his shoulder, to Grace, the girl who sat beside her in chemistry and always smelled like the ocean. She had the longest, curliest brown hair and eyes green and vibrant. She had ran into Nicole at lunch on the first day of senior year and spilled her drink on her on accident; they’d eaten lunch together, bonding over the fact that they were both interested in the chemistry class and had heard mixed reviews about the teacher. Ever since then, Grace would say hi to her when they passed in the hallway and share answers in class, and Nicole would pretend- for both her sake and others- it wasn’t the highlight of her day.  

Grace had been standing alone, looking out of place, and Nicole wanted nothing more than to get away from Nick and talk to Grace- hell, dance with Grace, take pictures with Grace, maybe even hug Grace. She wouldn’t entertain the thought of kissing Grace, that was something too dangerous, too hopeful, too risky. But still, something in her heart fluttered.  _ That  _ was the life she wanted.  _ That  _ was the life that fit.

The song wasn’t over but Nicole abandoned Nick, muttering a few words of apologies and needing to go somewhere. She talked to Grace- asking about the recent chemistry test, about the homework, about college and graduation and how prom was never as good as it seemed in the movies- and when she reached out to touch her hair, complimenting her updo, Grace moved closer, smiling.  _ This, I can do,  _ Nicole thought to herself, taking note of how the flutter in her stomach was exciting, giddy, didn’t make her feel uneasy or like she’s doing something wrong.  _ This feels right. _

And then Grace’s date came over. 

Nicole didn’t know why she was surprised. A bitter voice in the back of her head barks,  _ of course she’s straight,  _ and Nicole reeled, backing away and saying her goodbyes before she had to endure too much PDA, his hand already snaking around her waist. 

She had cried in the bathroom for at least forty five minutes, not even out of disappointment but out of self-discovery, of relief, of sadness but also happiness because now that she allowed herself to recognize who she was, what she wanted and what just didn’t feel right for her, she felt like she could live. She felt like she could admit the truth that she had known for so long, deep down, and not be ashamed. And that was something she’d waited for, something that just didn’t feel right to acknowledge until now.

She told Nick. She said, “hey, this is probably the worst prom date experience ever for you and I’m sorry” to which he responded, “no, I met a nice girl,” pointing back to the blond she had dragged him away from. Nicole just laughed. 

    “I’m glad,” she said. “I really am. Thank you for coming with me, I really appreciate it, but I kind of had an epiphany so I’m gonna head home. Yeah, I, um...I kind of realized I’m gay. I’d been keeping it to myself, ignoring it for all these years, but...yeah. I’m gay.” She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. 

    “I’m a lesbian,” she continued,  unable to stop the flow of words now that they were out of her mouth. “Yeah, I am. So...yeah, have a good night.”

Nick hugged her, and this time it wasn’t awkward. They felt like friends.

    “You’re the first person I’ve ever said it to,” she breathed. “My heart is beating so fast, I-”

    “Hey,” he said, putting his hands on her shoulders and steadying her. “It’s okay. Everyone figures themselves out sooner or later, and this is a pretty good story to tell someday, figuring yourself out at prom. So you can stay if you want, I’ll hang out with you and I can see if Amanda-” he gestured towards the blond girl who was leaning against the doorway, waiting for him and giving Nicole a small wave, “-has any lady friends she can introduce you to. It’s your last prom, might as well enjoy it, right?”

Nicole gave in. She introduced herself to Amanda and even came out to her, and while she didn’t meet any girls that night, she danced with Grace- not a slow dance, but some awkward jumping around to an old pop song that was even more ridiculous in heels- and she let herself be happy, and then heartbroken when her date arrived again. She let herself enjoy the night for what it was- one of her last high school moments- and then she left and went home, ready to start a new chapter.

 

Nicole started her new chapter by sobbing into her pillow and searching for plane tickets that would take her anywhere far, far away. 

When she walked in her front door, she didn’t expect her parents to throw her a party with rainbow streamers and confetti cake. She didn’t expect pure celebration, because her parents had made it obvious throughout her entire life that they expected Nicole to get married and live her life with a  _ man,  _ but she didn’t expect screaming and yelling and broken glasses and “no, you’re just young and confused and _ wrong _ .”

Her mother had always been very Catholic so she should have known. Still, she’d never forced Nicole to follow the religion, and years of hearing, “we’ll love you no matter what” allowed for a welcoming environment. One that had proven to be a lie.

Nicole didn’t buy the plane tickets right away. She waited until graduation, hoped her parents would come around because abandoning the people she loved, who loved her, wasn’t something she wanted to do. She was shushed and told not to talk about it, so she waited until college, until Christmas break, until summer and a year later. And when she came home with her first girlfriend she hit the breaking point. They were kicked out of the house, Nicole was told to stay out, and she wished she made her choice to leave earlier. 

She had thought she’d been dramatic when she first wanted to escape after her coming out didn’t go well. She did her fair share of research afterwards, finding others online who were in the same boat and were ultimately welcomed by their parents. But as she sat outside her childhood home in her girlfriend’s old Chevy, crying into her lap, she figured she just wasn’t so lucky.

 

She stayed at her original college all four years since she had found friends and a community that supported her, but didn't come home. Her parents didn't come to her graduation. Her aunt and uncle did, however, and she was thankful she at least had them to make her feel like she wasn't alone. They’d always been there for her, and when she came out to them she was greeted with hugs and kind words and absolutely  _ no  _ comments about how she was confused and misunderstood. 

They offered their basement to her, saying it was the only space they had and it was better than nothing and they could repaint the walls and buy her a bed, but Nicole didn’t accept. Two weeks after graduation, she flew to Nevada, where she became reckless and passionate and desperate for the love she always wanted. There she met Shae, who explored the Grand Canyon with her and kissed her under the moonlight in the way Nicole had always dreamed about. They went to Vegas, gambled every night, got drunk and had sex and  _ got married _ , even. They were in a haze, blinded by the bright lights and the city that never slept. She went to gay clubs and gay bars and strolled the beaches with a rainbow flag around her shoulders. Nicole did everything she could to establish her identity, to do everything her parents wouldn't have wanted her to do. But ultimately she realized that wasn't the same thing she wanted to do, either. 

When broke down crying the fourth day in Vegas, a little too drunk and overstimulated by the never ending parties and overpopulated swimming pools, she realized this wasn’t right either. It wasn’t her. Shae agreed, even though she stayed in Vegas a little longer than Nicole did. But they parted ways after coming to a mutual realization they were only feeding the other’s desires and coping mechanisms; Shae had just gotten over a breakup from a relationship that lasted three years. It was a long process to annul the wedding which had to be done by both partners in Vegas, and they didn't know when they'd get the chance, since Nicole was going back to school and Shae was hoping to go home to try to fix things with her ex. But they both were thankful for their experiences, for their time together because it taught them about letting loose. Nicole, especially, had never known what it was like to be wild, to break the rules and just do what you want, as primal as it may be. That lifestyle may not have been for her, but she never would've known without trying. 

 

The lifestyle she learned that she ultimately needed was one in a small town called Purgatory, with a simple job as a police officer who usually just issued speeding tickets but occasionally helped assist a supernatural demon kill. A house and a orange cat and a king size bed keeping none other than Waverly Earp warm at her side every night was the dream that Nicole Haught had entertained every night and hoped for, even if she was too afraid to admit it. She's sure she knew all along, even when she was seven and didn't mirror her friends’ interest in the traditional Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty fairy tales. She must have known better, long before she had any experience or understanding, that her Prince Charming simply came as a Princess. And that wasn't a crime. No matter what her parents or friends or strangers thought, she didn't care. She knew the moment she laid eyes on Waverly that there was something special about her- she could feel it, deep in her soul, the same way she knew she was attracted to women, before she even knew what that meant- and she felt every hole, every ache, every missing piece in her caused by anger or disapproval or rejection from her parents, cease to exist when Waverly first jumped into her arms and kissed her on that cold winter day. She and Waverly- their love- was as natural as eclipses and hurricanes and the deep, encompassing canyons in Nevada, and it was just as beautiful. And she was proud. 

**Author's Note:**

> How fitting that I ended up finishing and posting this on National Coming Out Day! To all my lovely readers, remember you are loved and I'm always here to talk, or to bring your prompts to life. Hope you enjoyed this and be sure to leave some feedback, either here or on my Tumblr under the same username!


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